Several years ago, someone accused me of having favorites on our team.

It wasn’t said casually. It was said as an indictment — as if favoritism were a moral failure, something that disqualified me as a coach. I remember thinking, I used to believe that too.

She was right. I do have favorites.

But not for the reason she thought.

What I Thought “Favorites” Meant as a Player

When I was an athlete, I believed coaches who had favorites were unfair. I assumed it meant they liked certain players more, or that they played favorites based on talent, personality, or convenience.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Coaching showed me something I didn’t understand as a player: favorites aren’t chosen — they’re earned.

Who My Favorites Actually Are

My favorites are the athletes who most consistently do what I ask of them.

They listen.
They try things my way — even when it’s uncomfortable or difficult.
They show up ready to learn.
They accept coaching, not just praise.

Because of that, I give them more attention.

I talk to them more.
I teach them more.
I challenge them more.
And yes — I expect more from them.

That isn’t favoritism. That’s coaching.

Cause vs. Effect: The Big Misunderstanding

The accusation wasn’t just that I had favorites — it was that my favorites improved more because they were my favorites, and that this was somehow unfair.

That’s a classic mistake: confusing cause and effect.

Those athletes didn’t improve because they were favorites.

They became favorites because they were improving — and willing to improve.

Athletes who come to me open, curious, and willing to work are positioned to get more out of the program. They’re prepared to receive what I have to offer.

That readiness changes everything.

The Only Real Currency a Coach Has: Attention

As a coach, I have only one thing of real value to give an athlete: my attention.

Attention means:

• I see what you need
• I invest time in you
• I teach you
• I adjust for you
• I help you grow

The reward for positive behavior — effort, focus, curiosity, respect — should be attention.

The consequence for the opposite — lack of effort, unwillingness to learn, disruption, or disrespect — is less attention.

Not punishment.
Not anger.
Just a natural consequence.

A Parenting Lesson That Applies to Coaching

I have three children, and the lesson is obvious when you think about it.

If I pour all my time and energy into the child who behaves poorly, what message does that send to the other two?

It tells them:

“If you want attention, behave badly.”

What we reward is what we get.

Coaching is no different.

The Athletes I Want to Coach

I want athletes who are:

• Eager to learn
• Willing to experiment
• Committed to improvement
• Open to hard work
• Seeking guidance — not validation

I want athletes who come to me because they want help developing both mentally and physically.

Otherwise, why are they here?

When an athlete shows me that level of commitment, I reward it with my attention. And in doing so, I quietly encourage others to follow the same path.

Why I Don’t Chase the Unwilling

If I spend the majority of my time chasing the unwilling or disruptive athlete, I don’t create growth — I reinforce resistance.

That doesn’t serve the team.
It doesn’t serve the athlete.
And it doesn’t serve excellence.

My goal is to forge a clear link between attention and excellence.

What Excellence Really Means

Excellence isn’t perfection.

Excellence is the sense of achieving what is possible — and desired — through consistent effort and growth.

My method is simple: I provide my knowledge and attention to those who “attend” to me.

That does result in improved performance. It has to. I’m a professional coach — attention applied correctly leads to development.

Over time, it can look like my favorites are just “better athletes.”

They’re not.

The Truth About Favorites

The better athletes are the ones who pay attention.

Because they pay attention, they improve.
Because they improve, they receive more attention.
Because they receive more attention, they improve even more.

That’s the cycle.

What critics don’t realize is this: you must have favorites if anyone is going to develop well.

My job is not to treat everyone the same.
My job is to reward positive developmental behavior.

Those athletes — the ones who show up ready to learn — are my favorites.

And every athlete has the opportunity to become one.