If I could sit down with the younger version of myself — the coach who was just beginning this journey — I would have a lot to tell him. I would tell him to slow down, pay attention, and understand that coaching is going to change him far more than he realizes.

Dear Coach H,

You will spend years learning that coaching isn’t really about knowing all the answers. The X’s and O’s matter, but they are only part of the job. The real responsibility is helping young people discover what they are capable of becoming.

You will make mistakes. You will have great seasons and disappointing ones. There will be wins you remember and losses you wish you could erase. Learn from all of them. The lessons will eventually become more valuable than the outcomes.

So, younger Coach H, here are ten things I wish you understood sooner.

Learn How to Never Be Your Athlete’s Last Coach

Learn how to never be your athletes’ last coach. Your job is not to make players dependent upon you; it is to prepare them for whoever comes next.

You will need a lot of arrows in your coaching quiver to hit that target. Gather those arrows from skilled coaching craftsmen in every sport — not just lacrosse. Study basketball, soccer, baseball, Olympic coaches, teachers, military leaders, and anyone who understands how people learn and develop.

Borrow the best ideas, test them, adapt them, and keep learning. Your coaching education will never be finished, and that’s exactly how it should be.

Success Is a Journey, Not a Destination

You are going to spend too much time worrying about the scoreboard. Don’t. The process you are working on is far more important than the outcome.

Are your players getting better? Are they learning to compete, communicate, solve problems, handle adversity, and become better teammates? Are they becoming more confident and accountable?

Those are better measures of coaching than the final score. There will be games you should have won and didn’t, and games you had no business winning but somehow did. Winning and losing are temporary. The work and the lessons remain.

Trust the process. The score will take care of itself.

Make Your Field a Fun Exploratorium

Don’t make your field a place where players simply wait for you to tell them what to do. Make it an Exploratorium where they can experiment, make decisions, fail, adjust, and discover.

During your time as an intern with the United States Olympic Committee in Colorado Springs, you will learn from coaches and educators who understand that people learn differently when they experience something than when they are simply told something. Pay attention to Bill Neville. Listen to his stories. Players often remember facts better when those facts are connected to stories, experiences, and emotions.

Most importantly, make sure you are practicing for performance — not simply making practice look good. A perfectly organized drill may look great from the sideline while doing very little to prepare an athlete to make decisions under pressure.

The game is the laboratory. Let your players explore it.

Follow the Science, Not the Crowd

Focus on the science and the facts of learning, and worry far less about the opinions of other coaches.

In 2010, you will learn about a coach named Carl McGown. Read carefully. He will share what he knows about motor learning science and continue teaching you throughout his life. Much of what you learn will challenge conventional coaching wisdom, and many coaches won’t like what the science is showing.

Stay the course.

One of the most dangerous statements in any organization is:

“We’ve always done it this way.”

Don’t accept that answer. Ask why. Ask what the evidence says. Look for a better way, and have the courage to change when the evidence tells you to.

Your Words Have Power

You will learn about Admiral Grace Hopper, the first female admiral in the United States Navy, and her connection to the powerful idea that “We’ve always done it this way.” That lesson will stay with you: seek to grow, seek to change, and don’t let fear of failure keep you from trying something better.

You will also learn that your words have enormous power. They can inspire or discourage, build confidence or create doubt. Use them carefully.

Be especially careful with try, but, and don’t.

“Try” can provide an unnecessary excuse. “But” can erase everything positive that came before it. Replace it with “and”: You did a great job, and here’s how we can make it even better. And instead of constantly telling players what not to do, tell them what you want them to do.

Your words are coaching tools. Use them to communicate belief. While “can’t” is your least favorite word, “yet” will become your favorite word. Demand that whenever you hear someone say “I can’t …,” make sure to remind them to always add “yet” to the end of that sentence.

Play More. Drill Far Less.

You are going to spend years designing drills. Eventually, you’ll realize you probably need fewer of them.

Play more. Drill far less. Listen and watch more. Talk far less. Praise more. Criticize far less.

As you get to know your players, you will understand why they are in your gym or on your field. You’ll learn their hopes, motivations, fears, strengths, and weaknesses. That understanding will allow you to coach differently.

Instead of always telling players what to do, guide their discovery through questions:

• What did you see?
• Why did you make that decision?
• What else could you have done?
• Where was your teammate?
• What did you learn?
• What will you do differently next time?

Help them discover the who, what, when, where, why, and how. Don’t give them every answer. Teach them how to find the answers themselves.

It’s Far More About Relationships Than Winning

Eventually, you will understand that coaching is far more about relationships than winning.

Years from now, former players will become coaches, parents, teachers, military officers, business leaders, and community members. They won’t remember every score or every victory, but they will remember how you treated them.

Winning and losing are temporary. Friendships can last forever. Befriend your opponents — players, coaches, administrators, and officials. Some of the most valuable relationships in your life will come from people you meet through the game.

Have high expectations for your players’ performance, but make your relationship with them as people unconditional. You can hold someone accountable without making them feel unworthy. Build people first. Then build players.

Culture Transcends Talent

Talent matters, but culture matters more.

Hustle beats talent when talent doesn’t hustle. Hustle makes up for a lot of mistakes, but more importantly, the culture you establish will influence everything your team becomes.

Culture isn’t the speech you give on the first day. It is what you tolerate, what you reward, and what you repeat every day.

Teach your players to be curious, never furious. Teach them that mistakes are part of learning. Most mistakes aren’t intentional; they happen because something is new, difficult, or still developing.

Use mistakes as teaching opportunities. Ask what happened, why it happened, and what they can do differently next time. Create an environment where players aren’t afraid to learn.

Measure What You Value

If you say effort matters, recognize effort. If attitude matters, recognize attitude. If selflessness matters, celebrate the assist. If leadership matters, recognize the player who helps someone else.

Catch them being good.

You will have plenty of opportunities to correct mistakes. Look just as hard for opportunities to recognize the behaviors you want repeated.

Be the most realistic positive force on the field. Positive coaching doesn’t mean lowering standards. You can demand excellence while communicating belief. You can hold players accountable without humiliating them.

The standard can remain high. The relationship can remain strong.

That Which You Teach, You Learn

There is a concept in medical education that says: See one. Do one. Teach one. There is a reason it works. When you teach something, you have to understand it at a deeper level.

Use that principle with your players. Let older players teach younger players. Let a fourth grader teach a second grader. Let high school players work with younger athletes. Give players opportunities to demonstrate, explain, encourage, and lead.

Don’t just tell players to become leaders. Give them something to lead.

When they teach someone else, they reinforce their own learning while developing confidence, responsibility, and empathy. That is how you build leaders — not just better lacrosse players.

What I Hope You Never Forget

Dear Coach H, eventually you will understand that you aren’t really coaching lacrosse.

You are using lacrosse to coach people. The stick and ball are the tools. The field is the classroom. The game is the laboratory. The relationships are the foundation.

Your greatest accomplishments won’t necessarily be the championships, awards, or statistics. They will be the former players who give back to the game, become great parents, lead others, serve their communities, and become the people you hoped they would become.

Years from now, you’ll realize that you weren’t supposed to be their last coach. You were simply one of the coaches who helped prepare them for everything that came next.

That is the job.

That is the privilege.

That is why I continue to believe in the purpose behind VB Select Lacrosse:

Build strong people through lacrosse.

Lead Positive.

Build Strong People.

Coach for Life.